So I've been trying to hold it all together but this morning I finally lost it. I found myself awake in my bed alone and just started crying. I said a little prayer but didn't know what to ask for. I am so mad right now, and I think I deserve to be. I have so many feeling all bottled up and I just want to scream. So what better way then to tell the world.
I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM
I hate him for tearing my heart out and smashing it on the ground, not only once but twice. I hate him for every lie he's ever told. I hate him for making me feel like this is my fault when I have done nothing wrong. I hate how he makes me feel when I look at him. I hate him for all my tears I have shed over him. I hate him for making me think he was a good guy. I hate the way he has made me insecure, and no longer trust anyone. I hate him for leaving me with three of the most beautiful boys in the world. I hate him for making my life so complicated. I hate that I hate him. Maybe one day I'll forgive, but not right now.
6 years ago
12 comments:
O i'm so sorry, you are such a strong person you deserve to let it all out once in a while!
I'm sorry you hate me and I'm sorry I ruined your life. I'm sorry that you are overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities. I wake up everyday knowing what I lost and it breaks my heart. I love our boys and they are the greatest gift I have ever been given and I'm sorry that I failed them and that I failed you. I take full responsibility for the horrible mistakes I have made that tore my family away from me. You are a wonderful person and you are an awesome wife, but I was blind and I took my treasure for granted. You have every right in the world to hate me. And I hate myself for the choices I have made and life that I've created for myself. You deserve so much more than me and I wish there was someway to turn time back and make everything better. Reality is that I can't. I love my Boys and I love you and even though we are not together I hope that you will still let me do whatever I can to help you and be part of your lives. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. All that matters to me now is that I help you raise our boys to be good men and help you as much as I can. You are an amazing person and one day the right man will sweep you off your feet and give you the happiness you've always deserved. I will never have a life as good as I had it. It touches my heart to see your blog everyday and look at our boys and you and to see that life goes on and that you are taking care of them and being the best Mother you can be. They are so lucky and I promise you they will always know how good of a Mom they have. My only hope is that they all make the right choices in life and hold on to the great things that God puts in front of them. And I hope one day you will forgive me. And that we can all have the Love for each other that He wants us to have for each other. With every feeling in my body I am sorry!
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You're right, you do have the most beautiful little boys! Your boys are so lucky to have you as their mom!
It's OK to hate him. Just keep doing what you are doing and be a the best mom you can to your cute as heck boys. Love them and love yourself.
It brings tears to my eyes to read your post. This too shall pass. My heart breaks for you and the situation, but know that Heavenly Father is mindful of you and your pain. You will make it through, just hold on. One day at a time, if not, one minute or one second. You'll get through and be a better person then you were when this all began. Know that there are many people that love you and are cheering you on. Your heart will heal. If you need anything, call. I love you and I am so glad that you are one of my dearest friends.
I think that it is great to get your emotions out! Yes, you have every right to hate him! You have every right to wonder why you have this trial! I am still wondering myself about mine! I will never understand God's Plan fully on this earth! Why things happen is a mystery to me! Hang in there!
um...I'm speechless. I'll talk to you later.
I finally have time to work on my blog and I am still trying to figure out the picture thing. We loved watching Logan and would love to watch them all soon. I do miss seeing you and the boys. Logan looked so cute as a skunk. Well I hope to see ya soon maybe we can do lunch Mcdonalds is our favorite place so the kids can run around.
I just noticed you posted this when I was in Phoenix and you called me. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you. I didn't realize how you were feeling when I was talking to you on the phone. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you. You deserve so much more! I almost cried when I read you post about "7 things" because of the 7 things you listed that you wanted in a husband. They were such simple wishes that you certainly should've had in a husband. Please call me anytime you need to talk. I'll see you next Thursday if not sooner.
It really does get better with time...but find comfort in your boys and you are an amazing mom!!!
Erica all I can say is "D Bag." You are a strong, beautiful, and great person and friend. He knows what he lost and I know you will find true love eventually. It is totally out there. You are a great mother and I support you 100%. If you need anything holler...
I am saying sorry for what I had said earlier. That is not right of me to get involved in your business. He is the father of your children and that should be respected. You are fabulous and don't let anyone tell you any different. I am sorry that I said that about the father of your children. You are a tough cookie so hang in there. We are all here for you as friends.
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